I've been debating whether to write this post for several months... But lately, I am feeling the surge of my self-love and self-power coming back through... so I think I am ready to be upfront about 2015 and the happenings of it. I'm ready to move on, I'm ready to piece myself back together and walk as an example and light for people that may be experiencing a lot of the same issues.
In late December of 2014, I began to date someone... (Please note: this is not an attempt to shame this person. I hope that he has figured out a path for his life to go). It had been 2 years since I had seriously considered being serious about a person. Dates had happened... but nothing with the fit I was searching for. Then, I jumped on OkCupid... Feeling confident and mature and ready to see who was out there in the world for me, in a more serious way. I talked to a few guys... but then this one stood out among the rest. We met, and instantly clicked. Quickly, we agreed to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" ... (I never know proper labels, so we'll stick with that.) He had told me upfront, that he was diagnosed with bipolar... and though I had never dated someone with a mental disorder, I had no issue with it, as he seemed to have his shit together. Our first 3 weeks were happy happy happy go lucky. The beautiful giddy weeks... sigh. Don't we all love those weeks in a relationship... then, the downfall...
I will not delve into excruciating details, but... it became very difficult. I was no longer just his fun, casual girlfriend he met off the internet... I was his core support, 3 weeks in. We figured out that he had PTSD... how? Lucid dreaming, which resulted in me being attacked in my sleep on several occasions. Punched, elbowed, head twisted around, put in a choke hold while in my most vulnerable state...
He began feeling weighted down by his problems, resulting in heavy heavy drinking. He got very irate when I would suggest certain things that could possibily help him. This is where the line gets foggy. What is acceptable and unacceptable? He slapped me.
The sad part was ... I didn't instantly break up with him when this happened. When the unacceptable happened, I was still willing to try to make it work. I told him that what had happened made me upset and that I wanted an apology. He refused, told me I was dramatic. UHHH HELLO. People, PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: if you hurt someone you CARE about, regardless of if you think you were right or wrong, YOU APOLOGIZE. No friendship/relationship is worth losing because you feel like "being right" about something.
Anyways... This large instance was a great example of the little, nitty gritty problems of our relationship. There were no consequences for him. He used his disorder as a crutch... to get what he wanted, or thought he wanted. Manipulation was a second language.
By June... after trying and trying and trying to convince myself to leave... I finally left. I was working in a high school... and had many young freshman girl mentees. I would look into their faces everyday and ask myself, "Would I tell them to stay if their boyfriend was treating them this way?" The answer was NO everytime. I would tell their asses to say BUH BYE LOSER, then ask where that guy was right that minute. As willing and ready as you can be to love and support someone,,, if they are not willing to love and support themselves then you do NOT need to be there.
The purpose of this post is to make YOU, whoever you are, AWARE of 2 things.
1) Domestic Abuse
2) Proper care of mental illness.
1) Ladies and gents: if you are in a relationship where are you being physically or mentally harmed... IT IS TIME TO GO. I know, I know, I know how difficult it is. "BUT I LOVE HIM!" Trust me, I've said it, how many times did I tell Kendra Collins "BUT I LOVE HIM!"? If you love yourself, you will let yourself walk away. Sometimes, you need to pursue what you NEED over what you WANT. If you would like to talk 1:1 about this, PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to me. I'm not an expert, as no one should be, but I've had my experience and would love to prevent others from feeling some/all of the pain that I felt.
2) If you or someone you love has a mental illness, that is not something to put judgment on. Yes. I had a bad experience with someone who was NOT taking care of themselves. Listen: if you have something going on, seek out help. Whether that is professional or non-professional, there is no shame in asking for help. There are people with huge hearts out there that will listen and guide you... people often neglect their self-care... so its time to prioritize it beautiful human beings. You are the only you that you are gonna get! Work on yourself daily! (I have an amazing list of self-help authors and books if you are ever in the reading mood). Own up to it, and work every damn day to say "I will not let this control me."
Since the ending of the relationship... I have tried very very hard to be ok. It takes a lot of convincing every day. I lost a lot of sleep due to fear of attack... I attempted to date again, which turned out to be a downward spiral, a clear sign that I was not ready yet. It is ok to not be ok, as long as you are working towards being better each day. Every day since June has been a process, but I feel myself getting stronger and finding the right support. :)
I am ready to pick up. I am ready to shine bright. I love myself. I celebrate myself. I have learned from this experience and I find it valuable to share that with the world. I will continue to work on myself everyday.
Raise that beautiful voice. Work hard, love harder. <3
